Coco's history -- part 2 -- my first audition

I went back for my first audition. It was at a weird time -- 11 am. I had no idea what to bring, so I brought nothing -- no special heels, no outfit, no routine worked out first. I was so clueless back then.
The guy was like, "Uh. Right. So, take off your clothes."
I was wearing normal clothes -- shrunken T-shirt, short skirt, boots-- and stood there in my bra and panties.
"Go on," he said.
Suddenly, I got nervous up walking on stage. Why? I danced in front of hundreds of people on an elevated platform in a crowded nightclub and loved it. My bra and panties were no more revealing than a bathing suit.
I think I was nervous because it hit me that I was out of my depth. Oh my God, I though. I'm standing on stage at a strip joint.

Maybe the manager thought I was a loser, but at least a pretty and responsible loser, so he hired me. (They tend to like students, because we're reliable) I didn't become a stripper right away, but worked as a cocktail waitress. I would serve food and drink wearing lingerie. Again, I got a pay raise here. My dancing gig wasn't part of the sex industry -- it was in the kind of divey club where students go. This place had alot more cash.

So I got a new schedule -- I quit the library job, even if it meant giving up a portion of my financial aid.

I would waitress lunches Monday to Friday at -- oh, let's call it Sexy Lunch.
And I kept my cage / platform dancing on Friday and Saturday nights at Frat Boy Club.
It was about 20 hours a week, which some other kids do, too (though in less strenuous work, like being an assistant in a library).
I thought I could handle it. But could I?

How to smell like a stripper

You know American journalism is going downhill when the Albany Times Union writes about how to smell like a stripper.
First, readers expressed surprised that strippers smell nice and wear perfume. Duh. We're entertainers who ply female sexuality. That's our job -- to look nice and smell nice.
Anyway, their picks were "Very Sexy" by Victoria Secret and "M" by Mariah Carey.

Here's how I stay smelling nice.
Shower right before work.
Have NO excess body hair, bad breath, etc.
Put on deoderant in advance, and then wipe off if there is black light.
Spritz Chanel No. 5 right before going on.
After a dance, I clean off with Baby Wipes, and the reapply perfume.

Chanel No. 5 is expensive. But I think it has a great, baby-powder-sweet smell that is a pleasant surprise. Men expected heavy, cloying cheap perfume from us, and I give them a light, clean, classy innocent smell that brings to mind vintage sex symbols, like Marilyn Monroe.
It's always good to surprise people.

What do you wear?

Coco's history -- part 1 -- my first job

I started exotic dancing when I was 18. Like many girls, I started when I was at school, a freshman in college.

Coming from working-class stock, I had worked before that, but innocent stuff, like odd jobs and waitressing at a place kinda like Hooters. It was really tame -- just crop tops and shorts.

I desperately wanted to get out of province (yeah I'm Canadian) despite the fact that it would cost more money.
Believe it or not, I was actually a really good student. I even skipped a grade earlier on. So, with a modest scholarship, financial aid and Canada's lower tuition fees, I got my wish and moved to a big city, away from my parents.

I was free for the first time of my life -- free to go out to bars and clubs with my friends, free to stay out all night and come home with whoever I liked.

I loved my body back then. Loved it. I don't mean in a vain way, the way a rich woman feels high and mighty in her designer clothes. It was a natural, youthful love. I didn't go around telling myself I was beautiful, I just felt that youthful energy coursing through my body and my skin.

I miss those old days of loving my body. I didn't diet, work out, have surgery or fret about it. I could eat pizza and not gain weight. I could eat nothing and still have energy. It was my 18-year-old body and I danced and danced and danced the night away, flirting with any boy in sight.
I felt so beautiful and wild and free that I would jump up on any bar counter, speaker, anything, to dance. I loved the feeling of my body on me, and people's eyes on me.

One day, a manager at a nightclub I frequented (not a strip club) asked me if he could pay me to dance. There were two raised platforms in the middle of the dance floor with poles. And there was also a cage on the side. My job would be to act as entertainment, and get people moving when it looked like the crowd was slowing down.

He said it wasn't a strip or sex job, just a dancing one. And, God bless him, he was true to his word. I wore what I always wore to the clubs, like a tight t-shirt, short skirt and boots.
It was the first time that I realized that dancing was work. It's easy when you're having fun, and you take a break whenever you liked. It's hard when you have to be on time for shifts, stay on that podium for hours, and pretend to be upbeat when your feet hurt.
But I still had fun. I'd make sexy eye contact with the DJ, and he'd play my favorite stuff, feeling all cool. I'd go crazy up there on that platform, even though I had no idea what to do with the pole yet.

The money wasn't great, but it seemed like alot to a girl like me. I was also working part-time in the school library, as a condition of my financial aid work-study programs, so you can imagine the difference.
***
One day, for kicks, a bunch of us boys and girls went to a quasi-strip joint where they had a lunch buffet. It was this big neon place on a main street, which we had all joked about going to. Being dumb kids, we thought this was fun and SO risky.

The girls working there didn't do anything. They just lounged around on a thin stage wearing bikinis, while we sat down on stools, eating lunch on a counter, watching them and giggling. (Later, as a professional, I know the ignored us because we had CHEAP written all over us. But I didn't know that then).

Off in the distance were a few stages, with topless dances and, behind that, some hallways. At the time, it wouldn't have occurred to me that that's where were VIP rooms where sex acts were sold. All I saw was this: Right in front of me, I saw a girl make eye contact with a regular. She crouched down low and lowered her breasts right into her face, with a shit-eating grin. So he slip her a 20 before continuing his sandwich. She made 20 bucks doing basically nothing.

Huh. I played nonchalant when all of us left. But the next day I returned and asked how much they would pay me to just walk around in a bikini and dance, for the same hours I was working at the nightclub. And it was like three times more! And 100 times more than working in the library! The manager guy asked if I wanted to come back for a tryout in a few days, and I said yes right then and there.

What? I have to pay them to strip?

When you audition for a new club, be very clear upfront about the payment system.
Some top clubs actually charge a stripper to be there, the logic being that she will earn much more, since it's a classy joint.
There may be a house fee (a flat fee for the night), a percentage off your tips, or tips that you have to pay to get on the good side of the mamasan, bouncers or barmen.

And once you're ready for Cirque du Soleil

Here's the Australian national champion. You don't have to be like her to make a living, but she sure if great to watch.

Once you've mastered Miss Gigi

Once you've figured out how to walk around the pole and spin on it without falling on your ass, you can put together a routine like this one.
The girl here says this is the level you will be at after 6-10 classes. If you go 3 times a week, that's only 2-3 weeks, so worth the investment.
It's obvious to me that she is a gym instructor and not a stripper, because it is technically crisp, but not sexy at all. To me, she looks like a girl doing a gymnastics routine.
But it has a good number of moves. If you can sexify this up, you'd have a decent beginner repetoire.

How to pole dance

You may or may not want to buy a stripper's pole for home practice. A high quality one from a brand like X Pole costs about $250. And, once you're working full-time, you'll see enough of the pole.
You're better off taking a pole dancing class at a local gym. You kids are lucky because, nowadays, pole dancing is a popular exercise. When I started in the late 90s / early 00s, there was nowhere to learn but the job.
There are many pole dancing instructional videos of YouTube.
I chose to use this one from Miss Gigi because it really is for beginners.
Some say they are for beginners, but then show some girl hanging upsidedown by her ankles, and that's just intimidating for real beginners.
Also, Miss Gigi is a big, black lesbian, just to show that you do not have to be built like a Russian Olympic gymnast to do this.
I wouldn't say that Miss Gigi is the best pole dancer in the world. She's not even a professional stripper. But she's the only one to explain, simply and slowly, exactly where to put your feet, or which arm to pull and which arm to push.

Shaving, waxing, plucking and bleaching -- down there

Ow ow owowowowowow.Photo from Hairstyles Chat

Like it or not, you are heading into the sex industry, which means alot of work down there.
Now, you might not want to work down that (that slides you from stripper to hooker), but it's still got to look inviting. Here are the basics

Bikini wax -- This is the bare (ha! no pun intended) minimum. This is what you get when you're working a relatively tame job -- like serving drinks in a bikini, or working a topless bar where you keep your panties on, or being a burlesque dancer. The bikini wax takes off extra hairs on the side and forms a small, neat, downwards-pointing triangle. You never want a scraggly stray pubic hair to creep out the side of your bikini bottom / pantie. You will be considered low-class and no high-paying client will come close to you. You might was well paint DESPERATE TRAILER TRASH across your forehead.

Brazilian wax -- Traditionally, this referred to a waxing that took EVERYTHING off -- all the pubic hair, plus any stray hairs around the labia, perineum and anus. First you do the front, then you spread your legs to do the middle, then you flip over and do the back. Nowadays, the term "Brazilian" also refers to the slightly less extreme version we strippers know as...

The landing strip -- This is similar to the Brazilian, but it leaves a thin rectangle of pubic hair. This is what I prefer, since I find the Brazilian makes me look (at least down there) like an 11-year-old girl, and it freaks me out. I'm 29 and retiring soon -- the underage schoolgirl look just isn't working for me.

Silly variations -- Some people get shapes carved into their public hair, like an arrow pointing downward. I find it silly and hard to maintain, but each to her own.

Anal bleaching -- This is only for real hardcore strippers who take it all off, and also do the extreme shows where the girl spreads her stuff so wide, and so close to the face of her clients, and you can practically see her kidneys. I remember going to a club once as a guest and a gorgeous young thing shook her ass at us. Lovely. Then she shoved her butt in our face and spread her cheeks so wide that we might have been doing a colonoscopy. Not lovely.
But I'm getting off track. Anal bleaching is for people who have a naturally darker discoloration around their anus. All of us have it to some extent, but it's more prominent in some. If you are unfortunate enough to have a brown-colored ring around your anus and you do full nude work -- well, you know what that looks like. I have never had this done myself.

Health and safety -- Except for snipping a stray hair, never do this stuff at home.
Spend as much as you can afford on the best, highest quality spa you can find. You're better off with a cheaper lipstick, one less outfit, and spending decently on something that can potentially harm your skin.
The good news is that Brazilians are now popular among the general public, so there are many places you can do them.
A million things can go wrong with having a stranger drip wax near your genitals.
Spotty bleeding, redness and soreness are actually relatively mild.
Even worse are allergic reactions, blisters, burns and even skin infections that require medical care and antibiotics.
Not only is this painful and unhealthy, but it can keep you out of work for a while.
So go to a good spa.

Pain -- I won't lie to you. This is not pain-free. But if it is excrutiating, then something is wrong -- probably an inexperienced technician.
The Bikini Wax is not too bad. You may wear paper undies to make the triangle shape. A soft wax (that should feel quite warm, but not burning hot like it's hurting you) will be applied to the area. The technician will apply a strip of paper or cloth to the wax. When it cools, she will rip it off in one go, taking the hair and follicles with it. It stings for a few seconds.
The Brazilian hurts more but, surprisingly, it's the pubic part that's the worse. The labia / anus part sounds scarier, but there must be fewer nerve endings down there. Still, it's not fun and it takes more time.

Tips: Take an Advil or other painkiller 30 minutes before your appointment.
Try to go right after your period if over. PMS bloating makes it worse, and being on the rag is just gross during this procedure.
Relax.
Make sure you go to a good spa -- one that will stop if you are uncomfortable, and one stocked up with soothing or anti-allergy cream.

A blogging question, or why doesn't anyone like me?

I may be an experienced stripper, but I'm a newbie at blogging.
I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to. (I think. At least according to those "how to blog" columns)
I post very regularly -- every day. This is my 19th post.
I use lots of photos.
I give good practical advice.
My blog has a focus -- it's not just, "I had a coffee today"
My topic is definitely sexy.
I use my "tags."
I even "ping"!

And, unlike many other how-to-become-a-stripper blogs (which get way more readership), I'm not trying to sell you my book of "stripper secrets" for $19.99 on PayPal. I'm actually doing this out of the goodness of my heart.

But I haven't had many visitors to Coco Undressed. 30 before 30 kindly left me one message.
But I think I have few visitors except for me.
Can anyone explain why? Does it take several weeks for the blog to "register" on the Internet? It doesn't come up on Google searches, so how can anyone find me?

Gratuitous Sexy Photo #3

This really is a beauty -- the whole thing, the girl, her natural healthy body, the pose that is both sexy and demure, the look in the half-hidden eyes, the black and white photography.

This is stripping at its classiest. This is how you snag that rich sugardaddy at a gentleman's club, instead of doing $10 lap dances for college boys.

Look at her breasts, ladies. They aren't giant. Nor does she look like a natural glamazon. But she's in terrific shape -- looks like diet and exercise to me, not surgery.

Stripper shoe dilemnas

Platforms vs. Straight-up heels.
I always choose shoes with a platform, because I am petite and have tiny feet -- a US size 5. That means there is just not enough length in my foot to carry off a 6" heel that starts from the ground.
The pro of the platform is that it gives you extra height ("lift") without requiring extra heel ("incline")
That top, small photo shows an exaggerated very high platform, and a relatively low incline. So your foot is not bent too much. That said, learning to dance in platforms like that takes a long time.

Ankle Strap vs. No Ankle Strap
Beginners definitely need ankle straps for two reasons: They give you extra support and balance. And they won't fly off and whack someone on the head while you're still experimenting with your spins on the pole. That's really embarrassing.
I personally don't like them because I have short-ish legs and I think the strap visually cuts them in half. I have a few, but the ankle straps are transparent vinyl.

Stiletto vs. Chunky Heal
If you have naturally long, skinny legs, stilettos look better. Chunky heels will look too heavy.
If you have naturally shorter, shaplier, or more muscular legs, stilettos can make your calves look even heavier, so go with a slightly chunkier heel.
If you're new to stripping, chunk heels give better support.

Slippery Soles
Rubber soles are better than fancy leather ones, since rubber soles often have grip.
If your shoes have very slippery bottoms, find textured soles to put on them, or bring them to a shoe fixer guy.

Learning to walk in stripper shoes
Move slowly. It's sexier that way, anyway. I don't get young strippers who rush around act like they are trying out for the Pole Dancing Olympics. Take your time.
When you walk, put your heel down first.
Before you start stripping, take a week or two to break in the shoes.
Do two hours a day, then three, then four, etc, till you can stand a whole shift.
And do things while wearing them.
You will discover a whole new world of things you can't do -- walk up and down stairs, push a cart at a supermarket. This is all good training.
Nobody is paying you stand still at a strip club. You have to be comfortable enough to be maybe serving drinks, walking on and off stage, mingling with clients and dancing.

Conclusion
Beginners should start with a modest platform and a modest heel (say 2" rise with a 3" incline). Or, even easier, just a normal heel that is 3-4".
You should choose ankle straps and a chunky-ish heel.
You should practice, practice, practice.
There's no worker's comp in stripping. You fall off a slippery, dark stage your first night and break your ankle, nobody is paying the hospital bill. And you'll be out of commission for weeks.

Two Great Beginner Shoes: Vanity and Seduce, from Pleaser
They look sturdy, have ankle straps, and modestly sized heels with no platform.
Yes, the heels still look thin by Non-Stripper standards, but at least they aren't those tiny ones that are made of shiny metal and come down to a sharp point.





Images from Pleaser, the creme de la creme of stripper shoes. http://www.pleaserusa.com

Breast surgery: Good, bad and the ugly

Awful Plastic Surgery is always a great online time waster. But I think it's too hard on people.

It ragged on Doris Mar for having fake-looking breasts. And they have a point. Her boobs have all the telltale signs: They are square-ish. The space between them is too wide and too clearly defined. Real breasts are soft, round and have natural curves.
That said, Doris Mar got a Playboy cover. So she must be doing something right.
------------

This is a total no-no. Sheyla Hershey of Texas got 38KKKs put in. She hauls an extra gallon of fluid around with her every day. All I can say is that it must REALLY hurt her back.
Image from the Times Union.

Do you know whose breast implants I really like? Nicole Kidman's. She went from nothingness to being statuesque and elegant. They aren't exactly stripper big, but I still like them.

10 steps to larger breasts

1. Make two fists. Now pull your arms back while thrusting your chest out and chanting "I must! I must! I must increase my bust!" No, just kidding. Here's the real list of 10 steps for plastic surgery.

1. Budget and schedule. It's going to set you back $5,000-$10,000 and keep you out of work for two weeks, so be sure.

2. Go see a good doctor and talk about what you want. There are many different kinds of implants, sizes and procedures.

3. Before the surgery, you may be asked to make some lifestyle changes, like stop smoking.

4. In America, at least, this is an outpatient procedure (meaning you don't stay overnight in a hospital).

5. You will be given either local anesthesia and a sedative (you will be awake, but groggy) or full anesthesia (you will be asleep). I'm a wimp, so I chose option two.

6. The operation takes an hour or two.

7. When you wake up from the anesthesia, you will rest for several hours with your breasts bound in bandages or special support bra.

8. Either your friend takes you home -- and takes care of you -- or you stay in the hospital. You will feel like shit after, so make sure you've arranged a ride and company for that full first night. If not, pay for the extra hospital night. Cabbing it alone isn't good enough. You may be vomiting. Your wound may not have "drained" yet. You can't be alone.

9. You will be sore for several days, and can't do strenuous physical activity.

10. Most people can go back to work for a week, but strippers need longer. Post-surgical recovery is fine if you're wearing a suit and sitting at a desk. If you're naked, and all your bruises, drainage and scars are on show, that's different. Plus, you really don't want to go spinning around the pole when your body is still that sensitive.

Should I get breast implants?

Simply put: Most men like bigger boobs, or at least boobs that are proportionately larger than your frame. (Having huge saggy boobs because you are obese with a pot belly doesn't count).
There are slight variations -- American men like enormous boobs, and the more rural, the bustier they want them. New Yorker men are not adverse to big breasts, but some of the more sophisticated clients can be turned off by obviously trashy, unnatural boobs.
While nobody is going to complain that you're busty, Europeans and Asian are less taken with busts, and generally want a more proportionate body.
(Side note: Europeans and Asians are also less forgiving when it comes to fat. Meanwhile, black men are the most forgiving to chunkier girls).
So... do you have surgery?

Say no if:
You're just starting out . Wait and see if you want to work in the sex industry long-term.
You're just stripping one year to pay off a student loan. That is, unless you want big boobs even after you become a lawyer, accountant or whatever.
You're broke. It's not worth going into debt for.

However....
If you are naturally very flat chested, consider it. You can go up a cup size or two, and it will still look natural and you can keep them after your stripping days.

The best candidate
* Has saved up some money and time off after working in the industry for a while
* Feels she definitely wants to stay in the sex industry and make a career of it
* Really feels she will look better and make more with bigger breasts

Black light -- our enemy

That's not entirely true. Black light does help cover up unfortunate details, like stretch marks, bad skin and cellulite.
But it also highlights things that are not usually visible -- especially anything white or liquidy. (Ew).

* Deoderant (apply before you work, and then wipe off before you go on stage)
* Dandruff
* Bits of toilet paper (use baby wipes instead after you go to the loo)
* Pills from white clothing (wearing a fluffy white track suit right before stripping is stupid)
* Bodily fluids. I know. Disgusting. But spit, scabs or, really, anything will show up.

The good news is that black light is pretty much passe. It's retro 80s.
Drawing from www.lasvegasweekly.com

Choosing a strip joint -- when to run like hell

* It's dirty.
* It smells bad.
* The other girls look miserable or, worse off, abused. I'm old enough to remember the time before smoking bans. Some places had guests who threw lit cigarettes at the girls.
* The girls look obviously drunk or drugged. There will be some drugs and booze at any joint, but you don't want to work somewhere where everyone is an addict, because you will become one, too.
* The manager is an asshole the first time you meet him.
* Someone immediately tries to solicit you / pressure you for sexual favors, whether it's the manager, barman or bouncer.
* There don't seem to be enough security / bouncers to keep the girls safe.
* It's empty of customers even when it should be busy, like a Friday night.
* The girls are far less attractive than you.

All of the above reek of desperation. And you are not desperate. You are a woman making a choice on how to earn your money.
Choosing your first strip joint is really important. It establishes where you are on the stripping totem pole, and therefore your future in the business.
You don't want to aim too low. The sleezier the job, the higher chance of your being abused.
Plus, if you look like Jessica Alba, you don't need to settle for a place where the staff are toothless and have C-section scars.
But you might not be able to aim too high either -- a top gentlemen's club might not hire a totally inexperienced girl right off the street, especially if she is not a Barbie doll.

Check online reviews on strip joints in your area. If they say "filthy. $2 blowjobs" then run, run away.
If you have the cash and a supportive male friend, go one night as an undercover "customer."
Make a list of places you would like to work, and then approach them one by one.
Take your time. If you have to work at McDonald's or Walmart in the short-term, so be it. If you're a bit out of shape and being rejected by the better clubs, take time to get in better shape, then try again.

High heels -- a love / hate relationship

High heels do wonderful things for a woman.
They instantly make you several inches taller, several pounds lighter and leggier.
Because they change your center of balance (you are tilted forwards), they encourage you to stick out your tits and ass and straighten out your torso. You just try slouching in very high heels.
When I put on a pair of heels, I feel instantly sexier, even if I'm not at work and just walking down the street.
But, heels are also bad for you, when you have to be on your feet in them 8 hours a day. Doctors warn about damage to your legs and feet. And, no matter what you do, they will pinch.
Here are some tips for coping.
* Take off your shoes whenever you have a break
* Wear flats when you are off work. I know. It's a blow to the old vanity to go about your personal life looking like a boring housewife, but it's good for your legs.
* Invest in high-quality heels. You can skimp on cheaper lipstick -- nobody will know the difference. But you need good shoes. They don't have to be designer, but they cannot be those cheap plastic / faux leather things that give you blisters.
* Buy a half-size up and put a cushy pad at the bottom.
* Regularly soak your feet and take off that callous on the ball of your foot.
* Occasionally get a leg massage so you don't get varicose veins, which are caused by too many hours standing or dancing in stressful positions.
* Personally, I prefer either open-toed models (which are sexier, and don't pinch your toes) or boots (which give you support). I don't like things that look like a pump, but that's just me.

Strippers are divided on whether to use dancers shoes. (There are a good selection at www.danceshoesstore.com). These are shoes for people who do ballroom, swing or Latin. The plus is that they are built to be strong and comfortable enough for what is essentially a sport. And stripping is a sport! And they don't look too bad, since they are made for performance. They often come in silver or gold. Some places, like the above website, also have dancers high-heeled boots, which I love. I love boots.
The only problem is that they often just aren't high enough. In the stripping world, 3" is short and 6" is normal. Experienced dancers can use 7" including the platform. So it's up to you.
Dancers shoes are good if you are starting out and not so great in heels, or if you are already quite tall.
If you are 5' and experienced, go for the fuck-me stilettos.

Black boots photo from the Sexy High Heels group.

The stripper as vampire -- work hours

Every club is different, but there are usually 2 or 3 shifts, like a restaurant.
The first is usually 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. This is for businessmen having lunch, or coming in after work for happy hour. The upside is that it is the safest shift. Plus, you can have normal, human waking hours. The downside is that you make the least money here.
The second shift is, say, 6 p.m. to 2 a.m. There is usually a little overlap with the last shift, since happy hour is popular. This is the one I like best, since I make way more money dealing with drunk guys out on the town for a night than I do with two suits having a sandwich between meetings. But, the hours are still saner than...
... The late shift. This is probably something like 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. or even later. This is the highest-paying shift, but the most dangerous. Anyone who is in a strip joint at 3 or 4 or 5 a.m. is trashed, aggressive and horny. Plus, it really screws with your body clock.

Your Body Clock
By the time you wind down from the late shift and get home, it's dawn. Usually, you can't sleep right away, since you're pumped for your shift -- plus, you really need a shower and some food. So you watch the sun rise like an insomniac. When I did this shift, I usually slept from about 9 a.m. to about 4 or 5 p.m. I took alot of sleeping pills and didn't see much of the sun. Honestly, I found it depressing.
Like I said, I prefer the middle shift. I get off at 2 a.m., get home by 3 a.m. and am asleep by 5 a.m. OK, I still took sleeping pills and it still isn't normal, but at least I'd be up by about noon, giving me a whole afternoon on daytime to run errands, run outside, go for a swim and generally feel human.

P.S. 24-hour strip joints have different shifts.

Image of Salma Hayek playing a stripper vampire in the 90s, before she made it big.

How to look like a stripper -- Part 3 exercise

The good news is that much of your job is exercise. If you're not currently stripping, try this -- go to a nightclub and dance hard without stopping. How many songs can you last in that hot, sweaty club without running out of breath?
You need to be in good shape.
Moving all night burns calories, but you still need to exercise during the day, particularly in the beginning.
It doesn't really matter what you do, so long as you do it consistently.
Pick one aerobic activity, like jogging, swimming, aerobics class or martial art. (If you're dealing with a sleazy clientele, or your club is in a bad neighborhood, a self-defense class isn't the stupidest idea either).
And then pick one toning activity, like light weights or yoga.
Do a little every day of both aerobic and toning. Even if it's just 30 minutes of each a day, that's 7 hours a week.
And everyone has an hour a day -- even if you are a student or a mom.
That, plus your nightly dancing, should do it.

Pick a stripper name

As intelligent readers might have guessed, my loving mother and father did not name me Coco Undressed.
You have to pick a stripper name -- partly to make yourself marketable, and partly for safety reasons.
You know the line between client and boyfriend. But the drunk idiots you're going to be dealing with aren't that smart. You're going to meet hundreds or thousands of men, many of them total losers. You don't want a stalker on your hands.
So you are not Jane Brown. Choose another name before your first day of work and stick to it.
If you look "ethnic," then go with CoCo, like me, or Ginger, Saffron, Jade, China. The fake Japanese names are nice, too -- like Maki. (Like sushi. Mmmmm. All sorts of dirty come-on lines you can make with that one).
Some people chose "real" names like Trisha or Tiffany. Some clients like the irony of boys' names, like Sam, Chris or Bobbi.
Other stripper regulars are luxury cars (Mercedes) booze (Brandy, Bubbles), colors (Pink, Amber), place names (Paris works, Connecticut does not).
I wouldn't do anything really stupid and campy, like Ivana Humpalot from the Austin Powers movie. That might amuse you at first, but then you'll be stuck with it. And forget high-paying classy clients.

I'm old enough to remember the late 80s. Remember Sam Fox? I remember being a little girl and reading an interview with her, saying that her mom called her Samantha, just so she could be called Sam. And I found that incredibly sexy. And I was, like, 8 or something. I remember that article, and the centerfold photo, more than any school lesson. No wonder I became a stripper.

What are you favorite stripper names?

Image from Retro Junk.

How to look like a stripper -- Part 2: love your body

If you are not confident with your naked body, none of your clients will be, and you'll make no money. Also, you'll be shy and miserable all night. You might as well get an office job.
Despite what you think, you don't need to look like a Playboy model. (And, actually, Playboy models come in all shapes and sizes, too).
One rule is that you DEFINITELY need to be toned -- no cellulite, no jiggling stomach, no love handles, no saggy butt. One thing all good strippers have in common? A waist that tapers in tauntly in the middle. So diet and exercise.
But after that, it doesn't matter if you are tall or short, petite or leggy, busty or small-chested, voluptuous or boyish. You can't change your genes (well, you can get surgery -- more on that later) so don't worry if you didn't win the stripper DNA lottery.
Different men have different tastes, and you should be proud of what you have.
Look at Kiko Wu, one of my favorite stripper-bloggers. She is short and reasonably small chested, but she is one sexy lady. Now, she's not going to snag a client looking for Marilyn Monroe, but she will get the ones with yellow fever.
As long as you are in good shape and are well groomed -- nails, hair, clothes, make-up -- strut tall. And if anyone gives you abuse about your looks, just calmly and politely back off.

How to look like a stripper -- Part 1: Diet

Most people would consider that an insult. I call it a compliment.
After all, strippers are idealized women, aren't we? We are the object of fantasy, both of men (who want to sleep with us) and women (who want to look like us). If we weren't attractive, men wouldn't leave their wives and girlfriends at home to spend their hard-earned cash looking at us.
So, how do you look like a stripper?

Diet
I know you've heard this before. But considering all the fat, ugly people out there, maybe some basic advice needs repeating.
1. Go through your closet and throw away all the junk food. Right now. I know it's wasteful. But since you will never buy that crap again, you'll never have to do this again.
2. Go to the grocery store and buy a ton of fresh fruits and vegetables, plus a little bit of lean meat and whole-grain carbs, like wheat bread or brown rice.
3. No more junk food.
4. No more sweets -- and that includes sweetened cereals, blueberry muffins, iced mochas, even sweet granola bars, which are basically desserts disguised as health foods.
5. No more fast food -- not even a small McNuggets. You are going to become Martha Freaking Stewart.
6. Cook and eat small meals at home.
7. Make water your main drink. Drink tons and tons and tons of it. If you absolutely have to supplement it with something, take coffee or tea (no sugar) or diet sodas. Don't even have juice. And keep the alcohol to a minimum.
You'll see a difference after a few weeks, without breaking a sweat even once at the gym. Though you'll have to do that, too -- more on that later.
Forget crash diets, weird diets or fad diets -- just follow the advice above and you'll be fine.
Oh, and no starving. You can't keep it up. Plus, it will make you so tired that you'll never be able to last a whole shift dancing.

Another gratuitous sexy photo

This image is from a parenting blog, of all places. It ran with a story about a 14-year-old girl who got a fake ID saying she was 21. The article asks if the strip joint managers should be blamed. Well, duh. Yes.

OK, if any of my readers out there are 14, get out of this site, go get Mommy and have her install the Net Nanny. OK, no, you'll never do that.

But, at the very least, don't become a stripper. Please. Dear God. Wait till you're at least 18.

I don't want responsibility for sending children into the sex industry on my hands.

(Photo from Babble.com).

Before you become a stripper....

... Wait.
I know. That was the last piece of advice you wanted to hear.
If you're thinking of being a stripper, you're either
A) Doing something impulsive, that you think is racy, sexy and daring or
B) Desperately broke.
In both unfortunate scenarios, you are going to want to rush in.
Try your best not to -- even if you need to take a crappy part-time job at a fast-food joint or cleaning hotel rooms. Buy yourself a couple weeks of prep time.

Here's what you have to do
1) Get yourself in great shape through diet and exercise. (More on this later)
2) Consider taking a pole dancing class or following stripper dance videos as part of your workout.
3) Save up some money, so you can afford the next few steps.
4) Buy two high-quality high-heels that are comfortable and break them in. If you don't wear heels regularly, practice walking in them
5) Buy a few sexy outfits. This includes at least two G-strings, 2 garters, 2 sets of sexy undies and bras, plus one long dress with a high slit. Try dancer's stores if there are no stripper stores nearby.
6) Check out local strip joints in advance -- don't just wander into any random one. Find out the difference between those that do tame lingerie dances (good for starters) and thinly veiled brothels (bad for starters). Find out how much places pay and what conditions are.
7) Set up spa appointments, or make sure you know how to do the following at home:
8) Get your nails done, both feet and hands (which should have long, neat nails).
9) Get all your body hair waxed off, even down there.
10) Make sure your hair looks healthy, shiny and soft.
11) Buy lots of make-up -- you need enough that it's going to last all night as you are dancing and sweating. Make sure you have extra hair spray, hair elastics, etc.
12) If you have an alcohol or drug habit, cut down now. You want no weaknesses that clients or managers can use against you. You don't want to be one of those haggard old junkie strippers who just make enough to get by day by day.

Like I said, this should take a few weeks, which gives you plenty of time to think about it.
It's not like being Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." It means night after night of taking your clothes off for sleazy old men -- men who have never known an unpaid woman -- and getting cash stuffed into your crotch.
You can make a good living, but know what you're doing before you step into that first tryout.

Gratuitous sexy photo

No, honey. That's not me, alas. Just some image I stole off Google. But I am a stripper. I know what draws an audience!

(Note: It's from http://moreimportant.wordpress.com)

Who am I?

Hello. My name is Coco and I am a stripper.
I say that jokingly, like I am in an AA meeting -- like it's a bad thing, but it actually isn't. Or it doesn't have to be.
I'm starting this blog to help young women (and maybe men) who want to get into the business safely and well.
Despite what you think, I'm a pretty boring person. (Shhhh. Don't tell my clients).
I live in a nice apartment. I consider myself a self-employed professional. I have a car, a savings accounts and a retirement fund. I don't drink, do drugs, or smoke (thus, the retirement fund). And, as soon as I've made enough, which will be really soon, I'm getting out of the business.
Lots of you are probably thinking -- she's not really a stripper. She's some bored suburban housewife making this up. Strippers are way more exciting.
No, we are not. We just act that way on stage. It's fiction. (Shhh. Don't tell my clients that, either).
You don't expect a Hollywood actress who was in an action film to be jumping over cars or shooting down aliens in real life, do you?
Anyway, if you're looking for razzle-dazzle tales about sexy johns and romps in some back room, there are plenty of other places online.
If you want to know the real life behind the pole and the G-strings, read on....