How to look like a stripper -- Part 1: Diet

Most people would consider that an insult. I call it a compliment.
After all, strippers are idealized women, aren't we? We are the object of fantasy, both of men (who want to sleep with us) and women (who want to look like us). If we weren't attractive, men wouldn't leave their wives and girlfriends at home to spend their hard-earned cash looking at us.
So, how do you look like a stripper?

Diet
I know you've heard this before. But considering all the fat, ugly people out there, maybe some basic advice needs repeating.
1. Go through your closet and throw away all the junk food. Right now. I know it's wasteful. But since you will never buy that crap again, you'll never have to do this again.
2. Go to the grocery store and buy a ton of fresh fruits and vegetables, plus a little bit of lean meat and whole-grain carbs, like wheat bread or brown rice.
3. No more junk food.
4. No more sweets -- and that includes sweetened cereals, blueberry muffins, iced mochas, even sweet granola bars, which are basically desserts disguised as health foods.
5. No more fast food -- not even a small McNuggets. You are going to become Martha Freaking Stewart.
6. Cook and eat small meals at home.
7. Make water your main drink. Drink tons and tons and tons of it. If you absolutely have to supplement it with something, take coffee or tea (no sugar) or diet sodas. Don't even have juice. And keep the alcohol to a minimum.
You'll see a difference after a few weeks, without breaking a sweat even once at the gym. Though you'll have to do that, too -- more on that later.
Forget crash diets, weird diets or fad diets -- just follow the advice above and you'll be fine.
Oh, and no starving. You can't keep it up. Plus, it will make you so tired that you'll never be able to last a whole shift dancing.

Before you become a stripper....

... Wait.
I know. That was the last piece of advice you wanted to hear.
If you're thinking of being a stripper, you're either
A) Doing something impulsive, that you think is racy, sexy and daring or
B) Desperately broke.
In both unfortunate scenarios, you are going to want to rush in.
Try your best not to -- even if you need to take a crappy part-time job at a fast-food joint or cleaning hotel rooms. Buy yourself a couple weeks of prep time.

Here's what you have to do
1) Get yourself in great shape through diet and exercise. (More on this later)
2) Consider taking a pole dancing class or following stripper dance videos as part of your workout.
3) Save up some money, so you can afford the next few steps.
4) Buy two high-quality high-heels that are comfortable and break them in. If you don't wear heels regularly, practice walking in them
5) Buy a few sexy outfits. This includes at least two G-strings, 2 garters, 2 sets of sexy undies and bras, plus one long dress with a high slit. Try dancer's stores if there are no stripper stores nearby.
6) Check out local strip joints in advance -- don't just wander into any random one. Find out the difference between those that do tame lingerie dances (good for starters) and thinly veiled brothels (bad for starters). Find out how much places pay and what conditions are.
7) Set up spa appointments, or make sure you know how to do the following at home:
8) Get your nails done, both feet and hands (which should have long, neat nails).
9) Get all your body hair waxed off, even down there.
10) Make sure your hair looks healthy, shiny and soft.
11) Buy lots of make-up -- you need enough that it's going to last all night as you are dancing and sweating. Make sure you have extra hair spray, hair elastics, etc.
12) If you have an alcohol or drug habit, cut down now. You want no weaknesses that clients or managers can use against you. You don't want to be one of those haggard old junkie strippers who just make enough to get by day by day.

Like I said, this should take a few weeks, which gives you plenty of time to think about it.
It's not like being Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." It means night after night of taking your clothes off for sleazy old men -- men who have never known an unpaid woman -- and getting cash stuffed into your crotch.
You can make a good living, but know what you're doing before you step into that first tryout.